SCRIPT I, Ill --by Dot Kebuoloh
wench: Good God! you look awful!
harlequin: Say what!
Wench: there's a virus about and youve just been stricken!
Harlequin: Nonsense I feel fine!
wench: that's the first sign!
harlequin: what are the others?
Wench: You start hitting yourself!
(harlequin begins hitting himself)
wench: then you fall over and flail about!
(harlequin falls and continues to hit himself)
Wench: poor poor soul!
Harlequin: Make it stop! make it stop!
Wench: If only I could...but there is but one cure.
Harlequin: please my face hurts!
Wench: it's too dangerous
Harlequin: I'll try anything!
Wench: I am helpless.
Harlequin: Where is your humanity!
Wench(pause): Do you have 2 dollars?
(harlequin stops hitting himself and stands still)
Harlequin: excuse me?
wench(smallPause): two dollars.
Harlequin: In advance?
Wench: it would be nice.
SCRIPT II, Illegitamate --by Dot
Harlequin enters stage right - wench enters stage left and intercepts
Harlequin: If you continue to call me that...there'll be trouble!
Wench: But I'm an illegitimate child and you're my father! Father!
Harlequin: how old are you?
Wench; I'm but 15
Harlequin: What's your mother's name?
Harlequin: Now that's possible...hmmm....and I'm not unfamiliar with the
ladies...if you get my meaning
Harlequin: Let's not get hasty! It's not easy being a father and all this
excitement is making me short of breath!
Wench: I'll get a doctor father!
Harlequin: Everything's gone all blurry!
Wench (calling): Doctor Doctor! Help
Harlequin: Hello? Hello? Is that a voice I hear? in the distance calling
calling calling? calling my name?
Wench: (calling) doctor! Hurry (to Harlequin) Father!
Wench: I fear the worst!
Harlequin: Angels! Angels! (Sings) ave maria....
Wench: Please father before it's too late! I have to ask you a question!
Wench: Do you have two dollars?
(Harlequin stops his pantomime and stands)
Harlequin: Excuse me?
Doctor: Who called the doctor?
Wench: Nobody! Scram!
Doctor: Who is that? Why you're the wench!
Harlequin: Wench!?! But you said...
Doctor: Wench! You owe me two dollars!
Doctor: Where's my two dollars.
Harlequin: So you're not my illegitimate daughter!
Harlequin: Oh the sorrow! To have been a proud father! only to have it
snatched away! Why! Why! Why! (to the sky, fist in the air) Damn You!
Harlequin: What now? What hot pokers do you intend to drive through my
Wench: can you borrow me two dollars?
Harlequin: take it! What does money mean when the fruit of your loins
(Hands her two dollars. Wench gives the two dollars to the doctor)
Doctor: thank you.
(Doctor exits. Wench returns to Harlequin who has stopped wailing)
Harlequin: Hey there.
Wench: you're not sad any more?
Harlequin: I'm past that - you know now that you're not my illegitimate
daughter i can see that you are one foxy mamma!
Harlequin: Sure, you got a nice set of gams there!
Wench: Why thanks sailor! You're not so bad either
Harlequin: What'd ya say we show this town how to party like it was 1986!
SCRIPT III, The Teeth --by Dot Kebuoloh
haven't eaten in days! Oh my belly!
(Enter Harlequin upstage right)
Wench - why there's Harlequin. I heard he just got two dollars for kissing
a cow - not on the lips...if you get my meaning. With those two dollars,
I'll eat like a person with two dollars! Ok thinking quickly, thinking
Harlequin; You there, hello
Wench: Ahhhhhh my tooth! It pains me so!
Harlequin: Ah! You have issues with your teeth?
Wench: more like they have issues with me! Kind sir, the doctor needs
money in advance for dentistry! I have not enough - i need perhaps 2 dollars
to ease this pain?
Harlequin: You don't need a dentist!
Harlequin: Why would I let you go to some butcher when there's man of
science and healing right before your eyes!
Harlequin: YES! Why I have formulated several hypothi and therorems. not
to mention one proven law of silence!
Wench; A proven law of silence
Harlequin: I can make a fly go absolutely deaf!
Harlequin: Deaf! Truly! Consider! Clap at a common house-fly and what
Wench: it flies away
Harlequin: Exactly! Now I take the same housefly and remove it's wings
and then clap at it what happens?
Wench: You got me
Harlequin: Therefore! Through the reasoning of deductiveness and pure
factoidal dissentary I have not only stated but proved with the aid of
science that when I rip the wings from the common house fly it is rendered
absolutely deaf! Now open wide let's see those choppers!
<top of page>